Dances With Films Festival–It’s immediately obvious this is going for energetic dumb fun with it’s ‘80s-esque title font, slapdash demeanor, and directorial choices seemingly inspired by Shaun of the Dead & The Lost Boys but all it succeeds at is hollow and in-your-face idiocy. Of course gross, mentally unhinged, dumbass losers *can* be humorous but unfortunately, the “humorous” part of that mix is nowhere to be found here for me. It all feels like the end result of asking a teenager off their ADHD meds to put a movie of their choice together however they think works best.

In Santa Muerte, California a former member of the armed forces currently on parole after being convicted of killing someone he still *insists* was a vampire now works as a security guard. This man’s name is Hawk (Ryan Barton-Grimley) and his best as well as only friend in the world would be Rev (Ari Schneider), a vegan pacifist born of nudist hippie parents. When not passing the time with porn in the tent where he lives (located in his parents’ backyard) Hawk likes involving Rev in his amateur investigations into local vampire activity. Hawk’s Mormon boss, Arnold (Casey Graf), is no fan of the off hours activities that often cause extreme tardiness nor is local law enforcement Deputy Scroggins (Jeff Lorch) pleased with calls at all hours of the night about various supernatural dangers but what can either of them do with such a lovable loser? 

Eventually Hawk & Rev catch the eye of local amateur writer lady, Theo (Jana Savage), who finds allure in the Hawk–the kind worth having sex with–where others see a loser. An idiot. A nearly half century old transient mental case convicted of killing someone who claims no remorse and still mooches off his parents. Hot stuff alert! The three of them, along with local one-eyed war vet Jasper (Richard Gayler), look into several goth weirdos (including a gimp) believed by Hawk to be blood-thirsty vampires responsible for the disappearances of many Santa Muerte locals. 

I could go on with the plot summary portion of Hawk & Rev: Vampire Slayers, but really I lingered on it more than usual already because I’m trying to limit the time spent criticizing (believe it or not, I’d much rather write complimentary things). My hands a little tied, though, considering I found this to be a complete misfire. The direction, the music, the story–you name it and this comes up lacking. It’s entirely too gleefully moronic and poorly assembled with little to no internal logic yet wears all that like a badge of honor–which I’m sure some will find utterly hilarious. The performances aren’t the worst you’ll see is probably the nicest thing I could say and even then that isn’t exactly a compliment. Hawk’s an aggressive, pushy, jerk of a person I didn’t find interesting or amusing so much as annoying to be around. No one else here’s especially worth watching, either, they’re just other kinds of quirky, one-joke (if that) oddballs meant for amusement that miss the mark. 

Frankly, Hawk & Rev: Vampire Slayers’ extremely low production values also lead to some unclear developments like when a bunch of what appear to be bloody baby doll heads are reacted to as if they’re human baby heads and therefore evidence of vampiric activity. Are they low-budget baby heads that require a heavy dose of suspension of disbelief (like quite a lot of this movie) or are they simply baby doll heads and our moronic lead characters fail to make the distinction? It turns out they’re just doll heads, by the way, which would certainly suggest those being surveilled aren’t vampires but I’m likely putting more thought into it than they did.

Personally, I need a little more than nonstop immature stupidity and moronic hijinks (something like Tucker and Dale vs Evil is an example of what I’d consider a successful dumb fun horror movie). Watch a trailer that’s fairly representative of the kind of experience you’re in for with Hawk & Rev: Vampire Slayers below and if that piques your interest then maybe you’ll find something entertaining here–I absolutely did not.

2 out of 10 Moronic Unstable Idiots