We’ve been on hold for a couple of weeks in anticipation of the penultimate episode of the popular shockingly weird series, and boy was it worth waiting for!

SPOILERS, SPOILERS everywhere!

Episode 11: “Battle Royale”

To the synth beat of Human League’s “Seconds” we watch Liz and Iris load their guns and waltz into the Countess’s penthouse, letting the bullets fly. Both the Countess and Donovan are hit numerous times and fall to the floor.

Iris rushes to her son’s side, a victim of friendly fire. He knows he’s a goner, so he begs them to take his body out of the hotel quickly. If he dies inside the hotel his spirit will be stuck there forever. They oblige.

Meanwhile, the Countess has been dragged away…

The Countess wakes up to find Hypodermic Sally rather forcefully removing the bullets from her wounds and stitching her up.  The Countess mumbles an admiring comment about Sally’s needle work, and Sally grins, “Why do you think they call me Hypodermic Sally?” She relates a story from her younger days.

Flashback: 1993

Sally is writing lyrics in a notebook in a studio while a couple of semi-famous singers try to record a song (but can’t quite keep their hands off each other). This is one of the few times we’ve ever seen Sally really happy, and her smile and pleasure are heartwarming (of course it won’t last. Silly question). They all decide to pause the music, go rent a room somewhere, and “melt our faces away.”

Heroin time!

Sally injects them all and they writhe around naked on the bed, feeling ecstasy and nirvana and all kinds of love in between. In her drug-fueled haze Sally grabs a big-ass needle and thick string and starts to literally sew the three of them together so that they can join as one and never be apart. Needle and string drag through skin, over and over.

Drugs are bad, kids.

Overdoses are bad, too, and that’s what happens to Sally’s compatriots. As they start foaming at the mouth and spitting up, Mrs. Evers peeks in to…well, to kind of gloat over Sally’s predicament. She hangs a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob as she leaves.

On day two of this macabre heroin sandwich, Sally’s demon (of addiction? Literally?) arrives and starts to torture her. Still in bed. Still sewn together with two dead rockers.

On day five Sally has enough energy to rip herself away from them (in delicious close-up detail). She explains to the Countess that Sally saved her so that she can help get Lowe back from his wife and be with her forever at the Cortez.

John, Alex, their kids Scarlett and Holden are all back at home now, just one big happy family. Daughter Scarlett is skeptical, and wonders if mom will kill her just to drink her blood. “Of course not.” Oh, and don’t tell grandma about your brother. At all.

The Countess has lost a lot of blood, and needs lots more blood to heal her. Sally brings in the last two of Countess’s “children” in order to drain them and replenish her veins.

Liz shows up in Iris’s room with a can of Donovan’s ashes. “Big kitchen, big oven.”  She accepts them, sadly. After Liz leaves her alone, she sits on the bed and spreads some of the ashes around. She lightly touches them, fingering them lovingly while she talks to him. It’s a nice quiet scene that lets Kathy Bates display some genuine emotion over the death of her son.

The Countess is feeling much better now, but is less two children. Not happy.

Mrs. Evers stops by Iris’s room to find her covered head to toe in Donovan’s ashes. Ick. Iris tells her she wants all of his ashes scooped up and taken away. Out of the hotel. Gone forever.

Iris walks, sad and alone, ash-covered, up to the roof of the hotel. She stands with arms outstretched as the winds picks up the dust of her son and carries him out over the city. She watches him go.

Technically, this was a terrific sequence, well-directed and edited, full of interesting choices and unique framing. Allowing the characters to walk into and out of focus, viewing scenes from extreme high or low angles, but all with a purpose. Nicely done.

Liz and Iris make their way to the hidden hallway and go behind the large steel door to look for Ramona (last seen escaping from the iron maiden and killing Drake). They find all the dead vampire schoolkids and are understandably on edge.

Ramona surprises them and wants to eat them up because she is not feeling all that well, but Liz convinces her that they all need to join together to finally defeat you-know-who. They promise to find her some fresh untainted-by-measles blood to help heal her.

And, holy deus ex machina, who should arrive for a stay at the hotel but Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), one of the witches from AHS: Coven. “Dinner is served,” says Iris.

They take Queenie up to her room and out pops Ramona from the shower. I forgot about Queenie’s voodoo doll power, so when Ramona sliced her open it was a nice surprise to see an identical slice appear on Ramona. After a few good back-and-forth injuries, James March pops in to finish Queenie off (and since he’s a ghost, he can’t get injured back). Ramona drinks the witch’s blood. And feels terrific.

Lowe has brought dinner home (in the form of a captive prisoner in the trunk of his car) only to find his family missing and a key from the Hotel Cortez dangling from a light fixture.

Back at the hotel, Lowe walks in to his old room to find Sally sitting on the bed. She reminds him of his promise to March: to finish the Ten Commandments and fulfill his promise. Sally tells Lowe that if he finishes his work (“Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder” is the last one) he will be allowed to be with his family again.

Ramona is better than ever and ready to take on the Countess. Liz offers her a choice of weapons, and she balks, saying she won’t need that. Cocky.

Up in the penthouse, the Countess walks painfully around the room, obviously still healing from her injuries. But she’s strong enough to smell when Ramona arrives. They have a calm chat, hissing veiled threats and compromises at each other as they get closer and closer. The Countess surprises Ramona by saying she wants to have sex with her one more time. So they do.

Cut to: the Countess, alone, perfectly dressed, carrying two suitcases out the door and to the elevator. Ramona is nowhere to be seen. She pushes the button and waits patiently, not a care in the world, until the doors open up.

And Lowe is there, gun in hand. He shoots her. A lot.

In the trophy room, Lowe puts the Countess’s head into the last slot. His work is done. March congratulates him on a job well done. Sally enters and tries to kill Lowe, to keep him there forever, but March stops her, claiming that he needs Lowe alive, out in the world. He has great plans for this killer.

In March’s room, a formal dinner is being prepared, with the Countess’s ghost being the guest of honor. She arrives, looking great in the weirdest dress I’ve seen yet, with great billowing wings of chintz spraying from the bustline and a neckline cut down to the navel. March is quite happy: he gets to have her by his side forever. He mentions that he’ll even forgive her turning him in to the police all those years ago. She says it wasn’t her.

Mrs. Evers pipes up emotionally, berating March for never noticing her, for taking her for granted. It was her who called the police on him. March banishes her from his sight. She gives a final dig at the Countess and walks out.

March is very happy. He tells the Countess how wonderful it will be, every day, to be in each other’s company, forever and ever. The Countess smiles weakly, and chokes down a gulp of wine as a tear rolls down her cheek.

Only one more episode, kids. This was, I think, one of the best episodes of the season. Fate has its finger on everyone, and is guiding them all back to the hotel for one final shebang. Joy!

See you next week!