Troma movies (and I use that noun very loosely) are just about critique-proof. They are produced as cheaply as possible, as quickly as possible, and as gratuitously as possible. With titles like The Toxic Avenger, Class Of Nuke ‘Em High, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, and Poultrygeist, you probably already know whether or not Troma movies are your cup of nuclear sludge. I’ve enjoyed many movies from Troma in the past, so I was at the very least mildly interested in it before I watched it. How did that work out for me?
The newest release (heh) from Troma is a fourteen-minute short called Dolphinman Battles The Sex Lobsters, directed by John P. Brennan. If you’re a fan of Troma, you’ll…well, you might tolerate this okay. If you’re unfamiliar with Troma, you’re going to wonder who gave a bunch of high school buddies some video equipment and $1.98 for costumes, makeup, and effects.
Shall we?
This short takes the form of an Irish folk tale told by Cunty Cunterson (a nice first impression of the level of humor on display) about Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD (Doug Sakmann), a police officer who wears kabuki makeup as he fights crime, and his Valentine’s Day dalliances with Double Dementia (Elizabeth D’Ambrosio), his overly-endowed girlfriend. Sgt Kabukiman contracts sex lobsters (worse than crabs!) and Dolphinman (Gibson Merrick) must come to the rescue by shrinking himself down to microsize and battling the crabby crustaceans.
But, plot twist, his girlfriend did not give him the lobsters. It was insane Dr. Zac Amico, HPV (played by…well…Zac Amico) who wants the lawman all to himself. So Dr. Amico shrinks himself down to microsize, too, and attacks Dolphinman, pitting the lobsters against our flippered friend, and…it goes on from there.
I am a big fan of schlocky, low budget horror, and I always try to give filmmakers (again, noun used very loosely) the benefit of the doubt, but hoo boy, this short tried my patience something fierce. Some shots are out of focus, the acting is overdone and underwritten (if there was a script written at all), Dolphinman is literally just a guy in a cheap rubber dolphin mask and yellow hazmat suit, and at fourteen minutes, it seems about twice as long as it should be.
Usually shorts like this can make me gasp and laugh at their audaciousness, or cringe at their intensity and frights, but this one just made me sadly shake my head. This short commits the one unforgivable sin of horror: it was boring.
Uncle Mike sez: don’t bother.
Here’s the trailer if you really want to torture yourself.
