Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin (not an actress) begins this episode with a short description of the farmhouse in question, ending with, “…there certainly was plenty of suffering.” She goes on to tell the tale of Edward Phillipe Mott (Evan Peters), a rich aristocrat with a severe loathing of other people. He builds the house far away from town, and stocks it with rare paintings and statues (courtesy of his family’s extreme wealth).

Flashback to the 18th century and we see Mott doing all this. As he stands in front of the under-construction house chatting with his manservant, a support board cracks, sending a worker plummeting to the ground. His leg snaps.

Goodwin declares there were many odd incidences at the house. “Mischief, mostly.” After telling his manservant what needs to be done, he kisses him passionately. Oooh myyy.

Later that evening Mott is woken up by a loud crash from another room. He goes to investigate and finds his beloved artwork destroyed: paintings slashed, statues smashed upon the ground. And Mott begins to weep hysterically. He falls to his knees, wailing. Soon thereafter, he gathers all his servants and staff together and berates them, threatens them, demands them to admit what they’ve done. Naturally, they have no idea who has done this and are all silent. He locks them all into the hidden cellar (we assume it’s the same one Matt and Shelby find hundreds of years later). His own manservant is obviously upset at Mott, and stalks off towards the house.  Goodwin breaks in again to state that Mott’s fate that evening was later told by his manservant Guinness.

Mott is grabbed from his bed and taken outside where, yep, Thomasin The Butcher waits. She lays claim to this land (again) and some ruffians shove a sharpened wooden pole through Mott’s chest. They then use the pole to shove him onto a waiting fire, where he burns and screams, screams and burns.

Goodwin tells us that Guinness rode away on one of the horses, but was later captured and executed for Mott’s murder. No trace of a fire or body were ever found.  The servants that had been locked away underground were not found until long after they had died. The interviewer asks Goodwin if she thinks the house is haunted. She demurs, but then flat-out states that nobody will ever convince her to stay overnight in it, and certainly not during a red moon.

Next up is the actual 911 call Matt made begging for the cops to show up when his home was surrounded by Thomasin and her crew  (have they ever addressed why Thomasin et al. doesn’t just barge into the house and kill them? Didn’t they walk through the house before leaving those weird stick figures all over?). Matt and Shelby formulate a hasty plan: Matt will distract them while Shelby races to the truck with little Flora. Sure, it’ll work.

As they walk down the staircase, Flora is attacked by a scary Taiwanese ghost, formerly of the Chen family. I swear, I thought the ghost was going to start that guttural sound from The Grudge. The ghost grabs Flora and crab-walks (seriously freaky) back up the stairs and around the corner. Matt and Shelby give chase. They run from room to room, always a step behind the creepy thing. Then they catch sight of a fire blooming outside. Their cars have been torched. Swell.

They find Flora alone in a hallway, and then the creepy ghost climbs up the side of a wall and goes around that corner–near the ceiling.

Then PigMan shows up!

Then the three dead hunters appear!

Aaaaaugh!

They race downstairs, all the way down, into their own root cellar. “Perhaps I can be of some assistance?” comes a voice. It’s Mott, the aristocratic ghost! Yay!

He leads them all into the underground tunnels, explaining that he’s only helping them so that they don’t die and get stuck hanging around the house with him, ruining his solitude. Hehehe, such that it is.  They walk and walk and walk, finally coming out into the forest, far away from the house. With a few words of warning, Mott is gone. And so is his torchlight. They are left all alone in the dark.

They walk some more, and soon see a house off in the distance. They are relieved, the house’s lights are on–and suddenly burlap sacks are shoved over their heads from behind. They are caught again.

They soon realize this is the same house they stumbled upon before, where those feral boys were suckling that giant pig.  And, hey, their old pal Dr. Elias is here to keep them company! Except he’s laid out on a table with most of a leg and an arm gone.  He begs Matt to kill him before “she” comes back. The other members of the Polk clan have their rifles at the ready, in case their guests get too rambunctious.

Too late. Here comes Mama Polk (Frances Conroy) offering up some jerky to her guests, fresh from the smokehouse.  The jerky turns out to be rancid (*spit*), so mama tells her son Lot (Chaz Bono) they don’t need the meat no more, and to kill it. So he smashes a hammer into Dr. Elias’s face. Done.

Mama explains that they wanted to buy the house, not to live in it, but to keep it empty for The Butcher. She don’t like no company.  Mama also says that if they help The Butcher with a blood offering every year, she’ll leave them alone. And Mama’s going to take Matt and Shelby and little Flora right back to The Butcher for this year’s sacrifice. The ground must be consecrated.

Meanwhile, Lee is still in custody and getting pissed off about it. They can only hold her for 48 hours without charging her and, since they have no evidence she did anything wrong (and certainly didn’t kill. tie up, and burn her ex-husband Mason), they finally let her go.

Meanwhile, part 2: Matt, Shelby and Flora are in the back of the Polk’s pickup truck, held hostage by Lot and his shotgun, as they bounce  on down the road toward The Butcher and certain doom. Matt suddenly take an opportunity, grabs the shotgun and, after a tense moment when it’s aimed at his wife and niece, the gun goes off in the other direction, splattering Cain Polk’s brains all over the windshield and knocking Lot out onto the road. They run off to hide in the woods, and, just as they think they’ve finally gotten away, a vibrating cell phone points out their location to the Polks, who take them hostage. Again.

Mama yells and screams at them, about all their trespasses against her family, and about killing her son. She decides to make sure they won’t ever get away again–so she takes a sledgehammer and smashes it against Shelby’s ankle.

Ouch.

In his interview, Real Matt says, “I felt so useless.” Real Shelby says, “I don’t really remember much after that.”

In the back of the truck, on the way to their demise, Matt and Shelby have a very nice moment where Shelby states emphatically that Matt must save Flora. ‘You have to save her. Promise me you’ll save her” Such a small gesture, tender and suspenseful and emotional all at once.

The pickup truck rolls up to the house. Thomasin and her crew are all there, fires blazing. It looks like the end for our poor friends. The others grab Matt and Shelby, and Thomasin grabs Flora, viciously telling her ghostly playmate Priscilla that she’ll goeth first.  Matt and Shelby are screaming. Flora is screaming. Knives are sharpened.

A police car pulls up with Lee in it. She sees what’s happening and tells the officer to call for backup. Instead, the officer backs up and drives away. Fast. Thanks, Officer Friendly.

Thomasin talks some more about “consecratin’ the lund with blude” (I’m actually digging Kathy Bates’ accent in this) when suddenly her son yells out “NNOOOO!!” and whacks her over the head. He shall not stand by any longer, so he drags her over to the flames, holds her down, and they both burn and perish. And…uh…that’s that?

Ah, here’s Edward Phillipe Mott showing up again (what a fortuitous coincidence!) to cut the living free from their bonds. “Make your grand escape!” says he. Suddenly, PigMan finds it in himself to pick up the butcher’s cleaver and head on over to Flora, who is screaming for help. He raises the cleaver and–is run over by Lee driving the burned out car.  They all climb in and–Thomasin drags herself out of the fire and chases after them. Matt sees her and yells for Lee to get the heck out of there. Thomasin, burning and bubbling, stumbles closer and closer and…the celluloid burns out, leaving darkness.

Real Matt and Real Shelby talk to the camera about the rest of their night, the motel room they stayed in, their new homeless condition. In the motel room, Shelby goes to take a shower and when she opens the bathroom door THOMASIN IS RIGHT THERE WITH HER CLEAVER!  AAUGH!!

Ah, it’s okay. Just a dream that Shelby’s had. Over and over again, ever since that night. It won’t go away.

It won’t go away.

Well. And that’s how this episode ends. Where can they possibly go from here? Everybody’s safe…right?

See you next time, kids!