Also released under the title Humanist Vampire Too Sensitive to Kill, Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person is a 2023 French Canadian comedy-drama film written and directed by Ariane Louis-Seize.

Sasha (Sara Montpetit) is a young vampire with a gentle soul and natural aptitude for the piano. Unfortunately her vampire family despair of her lack of vampishness when, even after trips to a vampire dentist and psychiatrist, she shows no desire to hunt for blood. She relies on blood bags in the fridge to sustain her, while all the time her folks gently badger her to go and get food in typical vampire fashion.

Whilst busking with her keyboard she spots a boy standing on the edge of a bowling alley roof. All poised for suicide, he can’t do it, but she forgets him not. He’s the victim of multiple bullies and has had enough of this life. Next time she encounters him he’s had a kicking and is bleeding from the head. Her fangs pop out, but she still can’t bring herself to end him.

INTERVENTION TIME!! Sasha has to go and live with cousin Denise (Noémie O’Farrell), who promises her parents not to supply her with fridge blood, and then proceeds to pick up some unwary hitchhikers, who clearly think they’re in for a kinkfest; being tied up by Denise, in full femme fatale mode. With her stomach rumbling, Sasha listens from her room as they’re strung up and bled. When Denise traps an unwary booze hound in similar fashion and Sasha refuses, she attacks him herself, to Sasha’s dismay, who attempts to abort the mission and, running away, finds a depression and suicide help group where her pale, pinched features match that of Paul’s. Paul (Félix-Antoine Bénard); the lonely teenager she spotted on the roof, who’s willing to give his life to save hers. But their friendly agreement soon becomes a quest to fulfil Paul’s last wishes before day breaks; he has unfinished business. He wants to get even with all those who’ve made his life miserable.

Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person is an intriguing film. In my experience you can’t go wrong with a Canadian production, and whilst normally I detest subtitled films the storyline is highly engaging, and the cinematography and music are perfect; well-timed and beautiful, especially when Sasha and Paul are alone together after the meeting. The red light in Sasha’s room is like a heartbeat, which, given the tone of the film, is entirely intentional to my mind. Sasha is a girl led by her heart, not her hungry stomach. It’s darkly sweet and flows like melted cinnamon sugar. If you don’t mind a slow burner and subtitles then this is definitely worth a watch; the affinity between the two leads is evident; they’re both lost and sensitive; misunderstood by all those around them, even though these are all just wanting the best for them. Or what they think is best.

The comedic element, too, is bewitching; a whole family of vampires, trying desperately to get a nonconformist teen to comply; Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person is a coming-of-age film with a twist. Parents of touchy teens everywhere will identify. It’s funny because it’s true.

6.5 out of 10 Troubled Toothy Teens