I’m an inquisitive soul. I love when my horror movies have some kind of real-world basis I can dig into. And boy oh boy is Island of the Dolls a doozy.

Emily (Emma Raine Walker), a reporter from London, and her photographer, Adrianna (Anna Cetti), head to visit Emily’s cousin in Mexico while chasing a story about four teenagers who, in the 1950s, disappeared on the mysterious Isla de las Muñecas in Xochimilco, Mexico City. The island, home to an array of slowly decaying dolls said to be possessed by evil spirits, is a draw for tourists, but a source of superstitious fear for locals, especially after the disappearances in 1957. But is the fear really superstition, or are genuine dark forces at play?

The premise is pretty basic, but good God I cannot express how much there is to unpack here. The movie is bad. It’s really bad. But trying to figure out what its deal is? Actually very entertaining. My research itch is being scratched.

Firstly, La Isla de las Muñecas is a real place, and the main legend behind the film is based on the actual island’s legend. The bit with the missing teenagers, however, makes no sense. Don Julián Santana Barrera left his family to live on the island sometime in the mid-20th century, and lived there until his death in 2001. No exact date is given for when Barrera supposedly found a dead girl in the canal and began collecting dolls to honor her, but the best I can estimate after combing through the Wikipedia reference links is that Barrera himself didn’t come to the island until sometime in the 1950s. The movie, however, makes it seem as though the island was abandoned in 1957, and that Barrera was long gone by then. There’s also a weird reference to the Mexican Revolution thrown in there to make the supernatural nature of the island seem older.

In case this wasn’t confusing enough, Island of the Dolls seems to have the same plot as another movie titled Island of the Dolls that was made at around the same time. Both movies are free on Tubi, which lists both of them as having come out in 2018 (although IMDb lists the other one as being from 2023, so which one ripped off the other is another layer of mystery I don’t feel like sleuthing out). Despite this one being (apparently) older and more widely available across streaming platforms, information on it is deceptively hard to find without finding the other Island of the Dolls, so take any production details offered here with a grain of salt (or maybe just a whole margarita. I could definitely go for one of those after trying to figure out what this movie’s deal is).

I can’t express how awful the experience of watching this movie was. If it hadn’t been made in 2018, I would’ve assumed it was the work of some really advanced generative AI, because that genuinely feels like the most logical explanation for why it is the way that it is. But, since it was made several years before generative AI really became mainstream, my best guess is aliens. This genuinely does not feel like a movie made by humans.

The acting? Passable on a surface level, but everyone. Mumbles. All. The. Time. The film is in a mix of English, Spanish, and, apparently, Nahautl – an indigenous language originally spoken by the Aztecs – but I couldn’t tell what anyone was saying the majority of the time. I know I’m always on my accessibility soapbox promoting subtitles, but this movie is a prime example of why subtitles are so necessary. If I can’t hear or process what’s being said, then I’m missing a major portion of the film.

The dialogue I could parse didn’t really make the film less incomprehensible, however. Nobody in this movie acted like a person. To wonder whether the script was written by a middle schooler feels like an insult to middle schoolers. I refuse to believe this was written by a human adult. No writer is credited anywhere except sort of in the credits of the actual film, which list Emma Raine Walker as “screenwriter/producer.” On IMDb, Walker is not credited anywhere on the page for the film, despite being the lead actress and only person with any kind of writing credit for the film. Walker’s page also contains no trace of the film in any category. Apparently there was a script supervisor, Pablo Camargo, but what he actually did for the script or continuity is unclear, as the continuity in the film could best be described as “nonexistent.”

Even the transitions were surreal. I cannot exaggerate the sheer number of long, silent montages of absolutely nothing. I’m guessing the entire budget went toward camera equipment so BY GOD WERE THEY GONNA USE IT! Here is a long drone shot of a canal. Here is a loong shot of the sunset over the canal. Here’s a slightly different one. Here’s another one. And another. And another. Just to spice things up, here’s a prolonged drone shot of the highway with “ehehehehe this movie is gonna be so scary, just you wait!” music over it. Have another prolonged, silent travel montage.

Island of the Dolls tells you, repeatedly, that it’s scary. But when it comes down to it, it doesn’t deliver any actual scares, just recycled tropes and several illogical sequences of events in a trench coat claiming to be a climax. I think someone walking up to me and saying “Jumpscare!” a la My Brother, My Brother, and Me would be a more effective horror experience than whatever that was.

1 out of 10