I’m going to take a wild guess and categorize the next film as satire even when it was far from bringing any smirk or giggle for how ridiculous the plot was. Noah’s Shark (even the name is just not in the right place) is something that should be brought to the Vatican’s attention to mock its use of Bible verses in the most absurd way possible.

An evangelist is looking for fame in the wrong place— he has failed exorcisms, preaching, and many other duties. After being shown a piece of plywood supposed to be from Noah’s Ark, he embarks with a film crew to find the vessel. On their way, they tell several stories about ancient curses that surround the Ark to protect it from curious mortals, and one of the beasts that protects it is a great white shark that for some reason can come out of water, walk and take a chunk off from its victims.

Noah’s Shark is an indie film that leads nowhere because it seems to not be aware of its own purpose. Is it comedy, horror or action? Whatever this film identifies as, it makes the Sharknado film series look like a masterpiece wrapped in bacon to bait the masses for something less cringy.

After doing some research on the director, Mark Polonia, I discovered this isn’t his first rodeo with sharks. Previously, it’s been used in films like Sharkenstein, Shark Encounters of the Third Kind, Amityville Island, Land Shark, Virus Shark, Jurassic Shark and its sequel Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, and the soon-to-be probably-forgotten Sharkula (currently in post-production). It makes me wonder if there’s a Shark film universe that I haven’t known about until now. But I’m not curious, or strong enough, to take my chances and see it for myself.

Amazingly, it covers everything I look for in a horror film: a driven plot, character development and psychology, gore, nice aesthetics and photography, among others. But the execution was terrible.

So far, I don’t think I’ve said anything positive or that could be relatable to a viewer like you about this unusual audiovisual project, and that is because there isn’t anything to say about it. It took me a while to write down the review for it and I still haven’t found the right words to express how I felt when the end credits finally rolled in— maybe I was pleased because it was over, but I’m still not sure about that.

If you think the shark from Jaws looked fake at times, you should wait to see how rubbery the one used in Noah’s Shark looks— it is so plastic that the ocean is screaming “we’ve had it officially with your trash.” Maybe I’m not its target audience, but it does make me wonder for who the heck it’s intended for.

1 OUT OF 10 ARKS