Quartz Vein nearly defies categorization. If it were to be put into a category, though, that category would be “So bad it’s good.” If you and your friends are the types of people who enjoy watching classics from auteurs such as Ed Wood and Tommy Wisseau then you’ll love this. It had been a long time since I’d seen an ironically funny film like this one. If a bystander were to walk by while you were watching they’d most likely think it was a Mad Max porn parody. However, you may be shockingly surprised (and possibly disappointed?) that there’s no full nudity featured.

The core of Quartz Vein centers around a gold prospector named Eon Pax in a futuristic, post-apocalyptic, desert landscape. Eon attempts to rescue a beautiful maiden captured by blood-drinking, dominatrix aliens.

On the surface, Quartz Vein looks stunningly cheap. The extremely grainy footage, inconsistent lighting and color continuity errors are in no short supply. One slightly annoying aspect is having to listen to the main villain’s Dr. Claw impression for the duration of the film. The film does have some wonderful natural locations, mainly the dessert and caves which offer some of the best production values on display. There’s also has no shortage of the absolutely gorgeous Dawson Boese, as automotive mechanic named Beba, and Elizabeth Rath as slick and sinister Stealthia.

While Quartz Vein is listed as a horror film, I’d say it’s actually a campy comedy flick–and a damn funny one at that. Overall the performances aren’t the best, but at least the actors themselves are mostly natural and dedicated in front of the camera. The hammy nature of all of the characters creates a cohesiveness amongst the cast which works really well, and even adds to the comedy in many moments.

The biggest criticism I could possibly offer a film like this is to pull back on labelling as a “horror” and double down the advertising as a genre-comedy. Quartz Vein indeed does a great job at not taking itself seriously and just wanting to have fun. The filmmaker clearly had a story to tell and did their best in telling that story.

Quartz Vein fits a niche aesthetic for a cult-style audience, but the world needs films like this. In a way, this acts as counterculture to the over-polished and extremely technical standards of feature films. For what this lacks in its technical quality, it greatly makes up for with the level of passion you feel both in front of and behind the camera. Jared Masters should be proud of this accomplishment, as should the rest of the cast and crew. Quartz Vein is a silly, but very entertaining genre comedy.

6 Out Of 10