Interesting shenanigans on this week’s episode, with the vampire kids back (briefly) and a totally gratuitous porn shoot that ends just like you’d expect.

The SPOILERS gonna getcha if ya don’t watch out!

Episode 9: “She Wants Revenge”

Now that the Countess knows that March was the one who locked her beloved Valentino (and his wife, but whatevs) away, she is out for (wait for it) revenge. Marched effed her over, and she will not stand for it.

Liz is still pissed off at the Countess for killing Duffy, and when she orders Liz to make sure the wedding flowers are delivered on time, Liz [literally] hisses back, “Buy your own damn flowersssss.”

Meanwhile, a private eye has found where Valentino has been hiding out since his escape, and the Countess goes to him. They embrace passionately. And then…

SMASH CUT TO: Countess and Donovan having some nekkid fun times, and pledging their undying love to one another.  Again. Right after her reunion with Valentino. And just before her wedding to Drake.

Girl gets around.  It was interesting to see that with Valentino, the embrace is chaste and romantic, but with Donovan, it’s all heavy panting and animalistic gymnastics (also, the Countess is wearing the weirdest set of pasties I’ve ever seen, cardboard cut-outs of stars, covered in glitter, glued to her breasts. Like she stepped right out of a censored skin mag).

A charming gentleman named Stormcock arrives with a couple of porn stars to shoot some scenes in their reserved room. This gives Iris an opportunity to perform a voice-over monologue about how porn hurts people, and she doesn’t want it happening in her hotel.

So she kills them. And collects their blood.

Donovan comes in and is surprised to see his mom taking charge of the situation. She says she feels a clarity and purpose in her life now. They conspire to try and keep the Countess in the dark about their plans to take her down.

Drake tries to explain to his son, who only knows his dad as a gay man, that he is  actually bisexual and is attracted to both genders. It’s almost a throw-away scene, but it’s handled nicely. Mrs. Evers warns Drake against marrying the Countess, trying to get him to understand exactly who/what she is. He’s not listening, and kicks her out. In a kind of obvious piece of foreshadowing, she gloats that he will soon meet his demise, begging her for help, and she will happily watch him die and offer no assistance.

The Countess wants the steel wall repaired  (behind which Valentino was trapped) and she wants it done quickly. The contractor balks at the project, and doesn’t think he will be able to do what she wants. March appears and offers some help, pointing out the load-bearing wall that will support the work. After the contractor leaves, the Countess slaps March in anger.

Donovan takes one of the porn actors over to Ramona as a peace offering, and while she drinks from him, she tells a story.

FLASHBACK: The Countess has just kicked Ramona to the curb after killing her man, and so Ramona goes back to the one place she always felt safe: mom and dad’s house. They are old, and are getting older. After mom dies, dad gets worse and worse, until one day he gets beaten up and is in a daze. Ramona opens up a vein and let’s him drink from it. Dad doesn’t get any worse, but he also doesn’t get any better. After twenty years (!), Ramona drowns him to put him out of his misery, and swears to ruin the Countess for abandoning her.

Back in present day, Alex has caught a few new stories about a series of killings around town, with the victims drained of blood, and she has a pretty good idea about the responsible parties. She shows up at the home of the boy she turned way back when and finds him and a group of his school classmates drinking their fill from a few dead adults. She tries to get them to stop, to point out that the pizza guy they’ve killed will be missed, and soon. But, them being kids and all, they ignore her. Oh well.

Ramona is in the hotel penthouse with Donovan, getting ready to put an end to The Countess once and for all.  She creeps up the stairs to find the Countess asleep, reaches out to her–and gets blindsided by Donovan shoving a needle in her neck.

Iris helps Donovan put Ramona into one of those funky neon iron maiden contraptions that held the Swedish tourists. They argue about the Countess, with Donovan saying that she has taken him back and they are together again. Iris warns him about her, and tries to get him out of her clutches.

The Countess and Valentino discuss their future plans, which apparently do not include his wife, Natacha. She envisions them together, turning the Cortez into a sanctuary for her and her extended family. Valentino might need a little more convincing. Once bitten, twice shy, heh heh.

Drake and Countess’s wedding day. Naturally, Liz objects. Other than that, it goes swimmingly and Drake heads to the bar for a drink while the Countess goes to change clothes. March chats up Drake, and, after a toast, takes him upstairs to meet his new stepson, Bartholomew. Drake is horrified, and, when the Countess shows up, he unloads some disgust on her. She bashes him in the head.

He wakes up in the chamber with Ramona, still stuck in the neon maiden. He helps her escape, and she hungrily devours him. And Mrs. Evers is standing there, grinning knowingly as he reaches out to her for salvation.

And the Countess watches it all on a security camera.

I can feel this season gathering steam and heading for some major confrontations, but this particular episode kind of spun its wheels. It was nice to see the vampire classmates back and being little brats, but there was a lot of unnecessary flotsam around, with scenes that didn’t give us any new info or interesting angles on previous events. Be that as it may, I’m still really into this story and want next week here! Now! See you then.