Tearsucker was directed by Stephen Vanderpool and written by Sam Brittan. It follows Lily, played by Allison Walter, as she becomes the target of Tom, portrayed by Sam Brittan, our titular tearsucker. No, it isn’t literal. He doesn’t suck the tears out of people’s eyes. He licks them vigorously.

The acting is average. It reminds me of the same type of acting one would find in commercials. I wouldn’t call it bad, but it does come off as a little forced at times, although there may be other factors to blame. The characters are fine, except for one, which will be addressed below. The character relationships are okay, except for one that will also be addressed below. The dialogue is enough to get the job done, except for one character’s dialogue. You get the drift.

There are moments of humor sprinkled throughout Tearsucker‘s runtime. None of it was chuckle-worthy for me, but it was nice to have something to break up the general tone. Its cinematography is fairly safe, but it does do a particularly good job of highlighting gross moments and making you feel disgusted. I need to buy some lip balm because Tearsucker makes me not want to lick my lips ever again. There are very few effects to speak of, but what’s here is solid. The music is serviceable. It does try to make the audience feel certain emotions in situations where they probably won’t feel anything at all, but I appreciate that they don’t overuse it.

Tearsucker is dull. The pacing is slow. It didn’t feel like there was any momentum at all. Remember the Plot Diagram they teach in school? This is nearly all Rising Action. The vast majority of this story revolves around Lily and Tom dating, but it wasn’t interesting to me. Lily and Tom have no chemistry, and I blame Tom. The persona Tom puts on to date Lily is incredibly bland. They work diligently on building this connection between the two, but that connection is partially built on Tom’s bland conversation delivered as blandly as possible until the inevitable. Lifeless Tom going out with average Lily works within the context of the story, but it doesn’t make for an interesting viewing experience. They needed a charming villain for this to work. I can see a Paul Rudd or Adam Scott type, or if they want to go darker someone like Christian Slater from Heathers. Instead, we have Colin Robinson from What We Do in the Shadows. He’s draining my energy and slurping women’s tears. They introduced him as a threat, but he’s depicted as so milquetoast whenever he’s supposed to be a threat again I simply could not see him in that way. The only time the character comes alive is when he’s fiending for tears. I felt no suspense, excitement, or sadness watching this. I never laughed or smiled. I did feel some disgust, but those moments were seldom.

Movies can overcome poor acting, poor editing, poor effects, or low budgets. It is nearly impossible to overcome a humdrum experience. Tearsucker is metaphorical. It has something it wants to say, but I suspect most people aren’t going to consider the message after it ends. All they will remember is how sluggish it felt to watch. This is not an unsalvageable idea. I think it would probably work well as a book. The imagination can grease these wheels, and the wheels certainly need greasing.