Like many sports teams, The Walking Dead sometimes falls into a predictable pattern of wins and losses. We had a big game last week in Rick’s Madness Induced undead-ass-kicking-polluza, but this week was a rebuilding week, with an episode that seemed to take a long time getting nowhere in particular. With that said…

SPOILER ALERT

– Avert your eyes now if you don’t want to know what happened this week, and while we are at it MAJOR DISCLAIMER: I am a huge fan of this show and have been from the beginning, but I am not shy about throwing jabs when things seem downright off in the series, so if you are easily offended by joking criticism of the show, you might want to join us next week when I hopefully will have less snarky comments to make ******

Rick and Michonne are now lovers so if you are a writer of fanfiction or have been in some sort of Walking Dead betting pool you are a big winner. (well maybe not, I’m sure if you are a fanfiction writer whatever you cooked up in your imagination is much hotter than the awkward television realization we had to endure in the episode, and if you were in fact in the aforementioned betting pool – I will get your payout to you next time I see you Glen, and I’m a little peeved I was off by one week!!!)

Judith has gone from infant to toddler overnight and is now walking. This “time hop” will be a problem throughout the episode for many reasons, but mostly in the schizophrenic feeling left behind by storylines that can’t seem to decide if they are going to directly deal with the aftermath of last weeks bloodbath, or use the plot convenience afforded by the time gap to avoid having to explain how Rick and Michonne ended up together and how One-Eyed Carl is miraculously healed and simply needs his eye dressing changed periodically. (BTW an even bigger personal challenge for me is deciding if I am going to use One-Eyed Carl to describe a new sex position, new private part nickname, some sort of whiskey shot, or all three!!!!)

Basically only three storylines to track this week so buckle up and here we go…

(In example 1 of why the time-lapse doesn’t work) Rick and Darryl are having the kinds of conversations that they would be having if the massive kill event had just happened the day before as they head out in a car for a supply run. Rick is suddenly all roses and lollipops about finding supplies or new people to come and join the happy rebuilt Alexandria Compound (which is about as annoying as when he decided he was going to be a farmer), while Darryl after his encounter with the bikers he turned into flaming remains is now against finding new residents. Denise who managed to save Carl from his massive gunshot wound to the head (despite her lack of any real medical experience) has asked for some soda. Lucky for her, while scouting Rick and Daryl manage not only to find a truck full of supplies for the compound but a vending machine they chain to the back of it and start towing back to the compound. That’s when a mysterious stranger (Jesus and no not in the religious kind of way, but more the you have a Latin drinking buddy way) ends up in their path and like some sort of 80’s stupid cop buddy movie, is able to lift the keys to the truck from Rick’s pocket by bumping into him, distract both Rick and Darryl with firecrackers that go off miraculously perfectly timed, and leaves them stranded. But fortunately Rick and Darryl pursue for miles ON FOOT!!! (Cue Benny Hill music please)

Sure enough first they find the vending machine which has somehow broken loose and grab a few of the sodas before continuing running down the road. (Good thing they are in such good shape from the Alexandria Compound Pilates classes)

They do manage to run down the truck that has somehow broken down with a super convenient flat tire. As Rick and Darryl drive off, they somehow fail to notice Jesus (who somehow kicked their asses with his martial arts skills and was left tied up when they left him) has managed to ride for miles on top of it, until they hear a strange noise and send him flying off by breaking hard.

Now this is where it really gets hard to stomach or understand (and believe me I am even tired of having to use the word somehow…but here it comes again several times as if to underscore the absurdity of this storyline.) The walkers attack (which is about as close to normal as the episode gets when compared to the rest of the series) and as Darryl is trying to pull martial arts Jesus (with kung-fu grip) from the truck cab, a walker tries to bite Darryl and Jesus shoots the walker (instead of Darryl) with a pistol, Darryl decides the act of kindness saving his life merits knocking Jesus out, which he is now somehow able to achieve despite Jesus’ Bruce Lee like talents. Also somehow the truck has magically appeared next to a lake, and somehow gets knocked into reverse, and somehow it backs itself into a lake (a’la Risky Business) sinking rapidly to the water as the three just watch?!?! The three arrive in a battered vehicle they must have found somewhere and the still knocked out Jesus is left under the watchful care of Denise and Darryl…and we are left to wonder if any of the soda made it back for her.

Meanwhile back at the ranch (in time-lapse problem number 2)….Spencer is out in the woods alone with a shovel (perhaps he is trying to tunnel to a better episode) and Michonne leaves the compound unguarded to follow him. Enid and Carl are also out in the woods reading comic books, which they keep in foot locker outside of the walls (because everyone knows comics are much better when they are used to divert your attention away from an endless array of deadly dangers in a world where pretty much everything wants to kill you) when they hear the familiar patter of walker feet and Enid (tough as nails, I’m heading out alone, I don’t need anyone else Enid) announces she doesn’t want to come out there with Carl anymore (like she is afraid of the woods now). He tells her to go home, and the next thing we see is him walking near Spencer and Michone with a walker training closely behind him. Michonne, who has been unable to get any reason as to why Spencer is out there to begin with understands when the walker turns out to be none other than his own mother Deanna. (which is a huge problem on a whole other level because she looks remarkably intact as a walker who was killed by a whole horde of famished walkers just a short time back. Maybe she didn’t taste very good!?!) Carl has actually led Deanna (dispite his lack of peripheral vision) to Spencer so he can have some closure and know that his mother is not among the undead endlessly wandering the planet. She charges her son. He knifes her in the back of the head, and in the most tender moment of the show Carl tells Michonne he would do the same for her. (Which is nice until you remember “One-Eyed Carl” had to kill his own mother right after childbirth, and Michonne is now being setup as his new step-mom, and suddenly the whole thing seems a little Psycho creepy, but which leads us to…)

“Rickchonne” or “Misrick” or whatever you want to call it is thrown in our face from the opening scene of the episode as Michonne, dressed in white robe while Judith is running around chased by Carl seems to send Rick off to work on a typical 9 to 5 kind of day. This new family dynamic is underscored when after all the “Hijinks” of the day the two collapse together on a couch (complete with Judith baby monitor), refuse to tell each other about their day, and end up making out on the couch. (I get that it makes sense, and I think we all half expected it, but not showing how we got from Rick’s (killing her abusive husband to free her) infatuation with Jesse, to the full blown happy family routine with Michonne. It’s honestly kind of like watching just the first scene of Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal in “When Harry Met Sally” where they obviously can’t stand each other and then skipping to the end and watching them talk about their happy wedding and definitely leaves the viewer with a strange (WTF?!?! kind of) feeling. AND it gets even stranger when in the final moments of the show we get a birds eye view of the two of them tangled up naked together on a bed, then suddenly, Jesus who has managed to free himself, and find their room, and get in the house without waking them up announces they need to talk, and they have to scramble for both clothes and weapons.

So in conclusion…dear treasured little AMC’s The Walking Dead. If you are going to assign two writers to write two totally different time periods for the same episode can you please take some of the advertising profits and send all your viewers a promotional packet of Advil, or better yet just put some sort of drinking game rules for the episode up front like:

Every time flip-flopping Overly Optimistic Rick talks about how great the future could be or how they now need to find new people to bring back to the compound…slam a shot.

Every time Darryl or Rick make an uncharacteristically stupid mistake around the stranger they found in the middle of nowhere seemingly on his own….slam a shot.

Every time there is a shot of people just walking through the woods alone, in walker infested forests…slam a shot.

Every time there is a forced kiss or strange naked tangled aftermath of a “One-eyed Carl” between Michone and Rick…slam a shot.

And of course that shot should be a “One-Eyed Carl.”
See you next week when the hangover wears off.