What’s a nice way to say “awful”? Whichever softer version of the word you settle on, go ahead and apply that to this painful (for the wrong reasons) night at the movies. This kind of lazy, nasty experience is chock-full of abrasively idiotic characters, vulgarity for vulgarity’s sake, choppy and inconsistent filmmaking, and I couldn’t think of anything at all worth recommending here. 

If for whatever reason you decide to subject yourself to The Good Things Devils Do, be it masochism or a lost bet, know the first 10/15 minutes are a clear indicator of the kind of movie you’re in for and that tapping out isn’t a weakness but a freedom you have. As someone stuck with it until the credits roll who wishes hitting stop and moving on with life was an option I’m here to say go ahead, quit when it’s obviously no good because it doesn’t improve and find something better to do with your time–like watch paint dry or fall down a stairwell.

Several lives collide one Halloween when Melvin (David Rucker III), a local professor, receives a mysterious crate just as a few thieves (Bill Oberst Jr., Mary Katherine O’Donnell, & Kane Hodder) with their own troubles turn up. Melvin, his wife (Linnea Quigley), stepdaughter (Kelley Wilson Robinson), the thieves, and a couple trick or treaters find surviving the night more difficult than expected when the contents of the crate are unleashed. Oh no…

Honestly, those first couple minutes should be enough of a barometer of what you’re in for so change the channel or alter expectations accordingly–the opening being a random delivery guy leering at a scantily clad woman who seemingly takes great joy in shaking her ass at strangers through a wide-open window as her mom watches. I gather it’s all supposed to be funny (haha, she’s 40), or sexy, or what have you but it seems more like the opening to some old soft-core porno–the kind Showtime or Cinemax (sorry, Skinemax) would suddenly turn into when the clock struck midnight. The performances and “script” would certainly be more at home there.

Soon after that gold, we’re introduced to another character as he viciously berates his bound wife* (their daughter restrained nearby) about how “women are only good for two things, getting fucked and talking shit” while shoving a shotgun between her legs and then face to see if she can wrap her mouth around it. That goes on for a few minutes as both mother & daughter whimper and plead before he finally murders each of them with a blast to the face but don’t worry, soon after he moves on to ranting about how when he uses his knife to rape a fellow thief it’ll have her “c*** blood on it” and should I go on or do you get it?

*Not wife/daughter–see comments below!

The Good Things Devils Do is a shining example of many things I’ve come to increasingly dislike over the years when it comes to some horror movies to the point I’m almost ashamed, as a scary movie fan, for this to be even peripherally associated with things I love. Everything about this is deeply stupid, underbaked, simply there to be shocking or “cool,” and feels so much like a few teenagers (who might have some issues with women) got together to make a movie at one of their houses with no interest in anything beyond having a fun weekend. Hopefully it’s abundantly clear by now that I find this to be a complete misfire with no redeeming qualities to be found. Don’t waste your life.

2 out of 10 Nearly Dry Paint Jobs