Oh, dear readers. Prepare yourself, because this flick is bonkers. Insanely bloody. Insanely scattered. Insanely…er…nude.

You might need a glass (or two) of wine (or something analogous) before firing up the DVD on this one.

Yanka (Emmanuelle Escourrou) is a circus performer who gets infected by a weird wormy parasite that exploded out of a newly-acquired leopard and appears to make her pregnant (or perhaps takes over a pregnancy she already has? Not clear). She runs away from the circus and takes care of her fetus, which really means it talks to her and tells her to kill people for their blood.

No spoilers there–this all takes places in the first fifteen minutes or so.

Yanka alternates between trying to protect whatever is growing inside her and trying to kill the thing. Again and again she gets herself into dangerous or unfortunate situations (attacked by a busload of horny futbol players, or luring an unsuspecting man into an empty station) and then is saved either directly or indirectly by the creature inside of her.

Did I mention that the creature actually has conversations with her (in the voice of, apparently, a young Gary Oldman)? And that much of the action occurs while Yanka is partially or fully nude? And that she usually ends up covered in blood? And that you could fit three quarters in the gap between her teeth?

Okay, that last one was not really that important. But still.

I think they used more blood in this movie than in Hostels 1 and 2 put together.  Severed arteries spurting, throats ripped out, parasite babies shedding their skin, all add up to a gorehound’s delectable feast. Just don’t expect it to make much sense.

Characters spout the craziest dialogue (at first I thought it might have been a glitch in the translations, but my copy of the DVD randomly switched back and forth between the English dubbed version and the French-but-subtitled-in-English version, which really just added to the overall surreality of the whole mess and still made very little sense), they show up at random yet convenient points in the story, then disappear just as conveniently. At one point Yanka runs into a diner looking for the local mechanic who is on the phone, and so she sits and waits patiently.  She also happens to be covered head-to-toe in blood, but nobody mentions that bit. At all.

There is also one scene near the end that is so audaciously, ridiculously bugnuts I had to rewind and watch it again. I don’t really want to spoil anything for those brave/drunk enough to watch, but let’s just say that if you’ve ever wanted to see the inside of a dead pregnant woman’s throat, stomach, and chest cavity using special effects that look only slightly better than my niece’s macaroni art projects, then step right up, my friends.  You have hit the bloody jackpot of schlock.

Uncle Mike sez: check this baby out.