I’ll attempt to say this without sounding masochistic: I’ve always been a sucker for punishment (not in a self-flagellating way) so pinpointing my Horrific Origin is up for debate. Since childhood I would go out of my way to find the weirdest, craziest movies and shows I could find. Now as an adult, that has turned into binge-watching cringe videos on the internet now that horror films no longer frighten me–the unseen corners of humanity are FAR more terrifying.

But as a kid, one of my favorite things to do was to go to Hollywood Video with my mom or dad, hang out in the horror section, and intentionally freak myself out with the scary VHS and DVD covers. My parents wouldn’t allow me to rent them, but every so often, some of those films would air on TV. I watched them alone after everyone else had gone to bed, and enjoyed sleepless nights afterward. Like I said, I was a sucker for punishment. 

Violence and blood and gore never really bothered me, I was more scared of poltergeists, evil dolls, etc. But most of all, up until my preteen years, I was DEATHLY afraid of clowns. Clown hatred ran deep throughout my family and I inherited it as well. But I personally had a full-on, super-mega phobia of clowns, I think it’s called coulrophobia. It was mostly irrational, but I guess it was mostly just the idea of not knowing what kind of dude existed underneath all those garish clothes and makeup. Circuses in general creeped me out as well, and clowns are pretty much the official mascots for those, along with misfit gymnasts and burnt-out elephants. 

So of course, the creepy clown DVD covers freaked me out the most, but there was one in particular that absolutely haunted my existence: Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I read the case from back to front and this thing scared the living shit out of me. One time my dad brought me along for a meeting with one of his clients at their house (he’s a voice actor and producer and nobody else could babysit me). At one point, I went to use the bathroom and found myself face-to-face with a wide-awake nightmare: a HUGE ASS Killer Klowns poster was hung up above the toilet. I tried to stay calm and brought it up to my dad, who told me that his client was a sound designer on that movie. As an adult working in the film industry, I wish I could’ve stayed in touch with the dude, but as a kid, as far as I was concerned, that guy was no better than one of them damn dirty clowns. 

Years went by where I spent my existence in constant fear and vigilance; if a clown got me, I wasn’t gonna let it murder me or eat me or whatever the f*ck I thought clowns do to people. Friends and family members alike teased me about it, EVEN the family members who hated clowns as well! What pricks. Anyway, as I got a little older (I was 10, it was time to start being a grownup with grownup responsibilities and whatnot), I realized that the only way to overcome this fear of clowns was to confront it directly. Now, I was way too chickenshit to approach a clown in real life, but a different opportunity arose. For a limited time, Starz was airing Killer Klowns From Outer Space. And after flipping channels for a while, I decided that this was my chance.

So I did it, I watched the whole thing from start to finish. Keep in mind, I was still a kid and had no sense of irony and didn’t understand the concept of horror-comedies like this one. For 88 minutes, I sat paralyzed in fear. From the cotton candy cocoons to the climax with KlownZilla, it was an absolute horror show that I did not enjoy a second of, but I was somehow still enthralled.

So what happened then? Did my decision to face my fears pay off? Did I realize that this was just a movie and that those clowns are actually aliens and not the REAL clowns that actually walk among us? Did I finally put on my 10-year-old big-boy panties and overcome this lifelong phobia?

Actually, no. 

None of that happened. If anything, it just reaffirmed my fear of clowns and made me even more paranoid. Dude, they used a F*CKING crazy straw to drink the gelatinized blood of the townspeople inside the cocoons, are you kidding me? No ma’am. My grandma loves to tell me about how she was afraid to shower after seeing Psycho. Okay cool, have you ever seen a girl being terrorized by hungry alien clown larvae in the bathroom? Didn’t think so–try again, Grams.     

Ultimately, I grew out of my fear of clowns organically, as most childhood phobias do. I got super into 80s/90s Tim Burton movies in my preteens, which features quite a lot of clowns (apparently Mr. Burton was afraid of clowns as a kid as well). My gay ass realized that if I wanted to see Michelle Pfieffer as Catwoman again, I’d have to get used to seeing clowns a lot more if I was gonna watch Batman Returns at least 50,000 times. 

At 26, I’m a horror nerd and writer, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space feels like a direct injection of serotonin. Not only is it campy, fun, and funny, I can enjoy the added bonus of no longer living in fear of this ridiculous movie, and being able to appreciate the makeup and effects artistry that makes it so iconic. I now own the Killer Klowns album by The Dickies on vinyl (and it was not easy to find). Sure, clowns are an acquired taste, but at the end of the day, people become clowns to entertain people and make them laugh. How can you really argue with that? 

My 9-year-old self would never believe me if I told them that in 17 years, they’d be friends with LOTS of clowns of all types. Traditional, haunted house, burlesque, sideshow performers–you name ’em, I know ’em. And where am I now? I’m a broke comedian and a drag artist. I put on bright-colored wigs and outfits and heavy makeup, I make people laugh, and I can’t live without Batman. At this point, it’s getting harder and harder to prove that I am not a clown. And yes, even well after my Horrific Origin I’m still a glutton for punishment. You ever watch 90 Day Fiance? Those clowns are the scariest of all. 

I’m sure you know the deal by now, so see you next week for another Horrific Origin.